Retired Too Early

Here I sit on New Years Day 2017 with three years of retirement behind me. If you are retired, or are contemplating retirement, it is my hope to shine some light on what to expect and perhaps what you might choose to do if you are feeling a bit lost in retirement.


After a few decades of hard work, following college or years of training, you might find yourself adding up the years and calculating the pay/benefits ahead of you in retirement.  It is an exciting new life, full of possibility.  


DOESN'T PAY TO STAY


In the teaching profession, there comes a time when it 'doesn't pay' to stay.  Once your years are in, all you need to do now is self-assess. 

Some things I considered; 

*Stress 

*Physical effects of continuing

*Enjoying your students as you teach

*Have I become that teacher who complains during the meetings?

Once self-assessing is over, and the obvious choice is to retire, you have to make decisions about health, dental and vision insurance - whether or not to continue coverage through your school district.  For me, it would have been approximately $900 per month to continue coverage for my husband and I. 


THE GAP


There is a gap for those who retire 'young' and have several years before you are eligible for Medicare.  I tried taking on part-time jobs to earn the monthly amount needed for health insurance.  


Again, I had to assess what I was doing;

*Is this bringing in enough income to be worthy of the time I am investing?

*Am I valued and able to contribute in my gifts.

GAS IN THE TANK


Once I was fully rested from the years of teaching and acclimated to my new life of retirement, I found myself with what I would call 'brain space'.  (I still had gas in the tank.)  My life was full, but my brain was bored, and I became unsettled.  

While caring for our parents as they age, it became obvious to me that we only have a certain amount of time where we are able to work and contribute.  


SMALL CIRCLE OF INFLUENCE ~ CHANGE OF THINKING 


I think in decades;

In our 30's we are starting our families, getting established in our career, taking on the world and at the front end of making big purchases. 

In our 40's we are raising our children, working, paying bills and building our life as a family while starting to realize how difficult it is to affect change on a large scale.  What becomes foremost in our day is getting everyone off to school and work, raising a family.

In our 50's our children are gone and we realize each of us have had some influence in a particular area where we can affect change, but realize it is a small circle of influence.  


For example; 

During one year of my teaching career, the school building was undergoing a remodel and my classroom was moved to a garage.  I could have taken that news and become bitter.  But, I knew it was temporary and I could 'affect change' for those students in that situation, for that time.  We took complete advantage of the garage door - when it was hot outside or when it was beautiful outside - we made the best of it.   


SECOND CAREER


With this new information, I began to pray and seek what the Lord might have for me.  I applied and was offered a teaching position in Alaska (Kodiac Island), but chose to decline the offer.  Shortly after that, another opportunity became available in the professional area I had 30+ years experience.  It was as if I had been preparing for this new career all these years.


WORDS OF WISDOM


As a 50+ woman, do not accept that you are being 'put out to pasture' if you choose to retire. 


Explore other opportunities in your retirement.  

This second career is different, in that I am working with a new view and motivation.

Use the obstacles you might face to bring you the courage to start something new.  


I am finding that with age comes wisdom, and much less drama (something that is very attractive for employers). If there's a conflict or huge issue, we have made it through worse and 

'It is what it is'. It will not ruin me.

Be encouraged and don't let your brain get bored.  


Remember, we all play and important part in this life and each one of us can affect change, even if it’s small.   


Be thankful for the opportunity if you find yourself embracing second career, DO NOT be afraid! You've got this!!

Red Broom

Ever wonder what it's like to bring your mother-in-law home to live with you?  How to prepare? What to expect? What about if she has Alzheimer's?

One thing I have learned about having another person in your home is how much you take for granted being with your spouse, alone, in your home. And the ability to 'just go' when you need or want to go.  Both of these things are no longer possible (if you have someone who needs 24 hour supervision as ours does).

Your marriage will be stressed and stretched.  Here's a simple example.

Items will go missing, such as my red broom.  Sounds silly doesn't it?  I have kept my 'inside' broom ~ which happens to be red ~ in the laundry room for as long as I can remember.  This is the broom I use only on the inside of the house.  We have several brooms we use for outdoors (porches, barn, etc.).  

It's missing.

When I begin looking for my broom, I see my mother-in-law sweeping with it outside.  I explain that is my 'inside' broom and I would prefer her to use one of our many outside brooms (showing her one of the outside brooms).  Problem solved ... I think.

A person with Alzheimer's disease no longer can remember simple things, especially if it's a most recent instruction or event.  It's very sad, and creates a new level of communicating and living with someone with Alzheimer's disease.  

You can scold them, be angry with them or give them important instructions only to find it will not be remembered and corrected (at no fault of theirs).  

[This took me a while to figure out.]  

So as I'm sure you have guessed, a few days go by and I go to the laundry room to get my 'indoor' red broom and it's missing again.  I look outside and my husband is taking it from his mother, giving her the 'indoor' broom instruction again and storming into the house with my broom.  

Can you see the relational dynamics here?  Husband, son, mother, wife, Alzheimer's?  Needless to say, we now have several red brooms. :-)

- Adjustment Suggestions - 

[things I tried to help me with this situation]

Self care is a must.  

Create a space where you can go and close the door and lay down where there is absolute solitude and silence. 

Continue to stay connected with your friends and church family no matter how difficult.  Invite them to come to your house for dinner since eating out is no longer possible.  Take turns attending church services leaving one person home with your loved one.  

Include your loved one in as many social interactions as possible, do not 'send them to their room'.  If they choose to go to their room, that is different.  (Sometimes it's confusing for them when there are many people in one area talking.)

Schedule some treats for yourself and place them on your calendar.

Do not feel guilty when you move things out of sight just to manage your home and to be able to find things when you need them.  This disease creates the need for the person to 'put things away', and if you ask them, [you're catching on now] they don't remember.

Finances are strained and stretched.  A part-time job at the beginning might be just the thing to get you by until all the paperwork goes through for medicaid and medicare (which is a whole different story--Yikes, is that a mess).

Families are stressed and stretched.  The disease is taking away their loved one, you are caring for their loved one and the time in between their visits brings deterioration in their loved one [normal and natural]- for which, if you're not careful - you feel responsible -- again--guilt, no matter the excellent care you have provided.  

Frequent and transparent communication with family is a must, and it protects you.

Health of your spouse. I had to keep reminding myself my primary responsibility is to my husband, and our marriage.  Sometimes he can't see clearly because he's so involved with all that goes into taking care of his mother.  Depression in caregivers is an obvious outcome as struggles continue, finding appropriate care while balancing family, work and finances.

Another deadly outcropping I would warn you about is the sedentary nature of caregiving.  Before you realize it, to keep your loved one safe, especially when the weather is bad, you will find yourself in a very sedentary life, ignoring your daily responsibilities in your home and your life.

Remember this is a season, it is NOT permanent and it is as HUGE blessing for your loved one.  

Caring for elderly family members is not as common now as it was 80 years ago, and believe me, when I say the road to keeping a loved one at home is not easy, but it's very rewarding.

"If only our eyes saw souls instead of bodies how very different our ideals of beauty would be."

From Barefoot Whispers 

Dryer Balls

It's a sunny day here at the farm and we are getting into the rhythm of doing life together ~ the three of us. (My husband, his Mother and I).  The time has come and gone where it seemed like she was a visitor and now we are settling in as a permanent members of family living in our home.

Guardianship is a complicated thing - especially if you are dealing with two different states, (More details on that later.) but we are in the process of filing all the paperwork.

It's very obvious now that we are living a kind of Ground Hog Day movie life.  

Sameness is important - routine is important - but I'm learning a conversation isn't really a conversation.  Because you don't realize how much you rely on memory.

You see, with dementia, they create stories. Generic grouping of words 'to cover' for their loss of memory and to fit in.  She has about four she repeats depending on the situation.  There isn't really any lasting exchange of information because whatever you share is gone in 15 minutes.  I can't imagine how that must feel for her.

I have to remind myself that it's not her fault, she really can't be held accountable because as she says she will do this or that - at that moment she meant it. Then I wait a few minutes and expect her to do what she said she would do and ...

Wandering has begun. A quiet Sunday nap with my husband ... Not happening.

Areas of your home are no longer private, nor are your possessions.  She may be looking for something and not realize.

So now we enter the locking of doors season.

These are stages of aging we all may deal with. 

A few tips ~ Maintaining her integrity and communicating our love and acceptance is so important, along with reassuring her often to help with the unrealistic fear of being in the way.

Habit is huge ... Seems to be the go-to ... She obviously has an expertise in washing dishes, and folding clothes.  So every time she gets clothes from the dryer to fold, she is puzzled by my dryer balls (I do not use dryer sheets).  Every time we finish dinner she takes the dishes to the sink and scrapes the remains from them, then rinses, then sits them on the counter by the dishwasher.

These kinds of small daily chores will help as they contribute to the household.

One last observation, act like it's the first time - when she asks you the same thing she has asked you many times before.  If it's upsetting to you, turn away or change the subject.  Don't get angry with her and say 'I've told you that a thousand times!' All she can process is how that makes her feel and your disappointment or frustration with her. 

We are so blessed to be going on this journey.  I pray this blog will encourage and help others.

Broken Teacup ~ Expanded Heart

I was serving tea and cake to house guests and as I chose my special tea cup  I knew (choose a different tea cup!).

On one of my trips to visit my daughter in California we shopped a high-end teacup store.  I love the beauty and delicate nature of teacups, along with how the tea tastes when you drink from the thin china rim.  These cups were priced in the hundreds ~ but we looked and I found one I really liked.

For my birthday, I was surprised with a teacup just like the one we saw in that shop and a delightful card from my daughter.  These sit in the window sill of my kitchen as a reminder of that day and how she took the time to find that cup.  

Now that you know the behind the scenes story you will understand my most pressing event ~ that teacup was dropped and shattered on our kitchen floor.  I had that feeling when I reached to use it, but ignored the passing thought.  After all, what's a tea cup for if you don't use it?

I have read many articles and blogs, studied side effects of drugs for the aging and exercises for balance in preparation for our family member moving in.  There are some areas of change I am finding myself unprepared and somewhat unwilling.  My space and where 'things' are and how I 'do' cooking, cleaning, laundry ... All have been challenged in this new life adventure.  What was 'mine' is no more.

When you have someone in your home to visit it's very different than having someone live with you.  As I've shared, we have a family member living with us now and my husband was just granted guardianship for her.

I will take you with me on this new journey. It is my prayer you will find inspiration, information and honest facts about this process.  

Elderly Parent Living with You

We have the wonderful opportunity and blessing to bring a parent into our home due to memory needs.  This decision was and is a prayerful one that did not come as easily for me as it did my husband (whose Mother is living with us).  I want to share some quick thoughts if ever you find yourself with this opportunity and insights as we progress.

First and foremost my heart and thinking had to be changed; from immediate to eternal.  

Our first extended visit when we were considering this, my frustration was getting the best of me. I remember saying to God (while standing in my kitchen) this is NOT what I had in mind just one year after my retirement! The next thing I experienced was the feeling you would have when a bucket of cold water is poured over your head. And these words were spoken to my heart with a vision of our family member in heaven - arms extended to me - she was returned to her 'full self', beautiful in every way - "Cindy, I know what you did for me".  I fell on my knees sobbing and saying aloud 'ok Lord I get it -- ok! I am sorry.'

I cannot tell you how much peace I have had since then and how many people have spoken into my life about the blessings of caring for elderly family members - further confirmation.

I hope you will check back as I will be sharing more about this adventure in life.

Blessings friends. Oh, and sorry for being away for a while.

A request on aging

Just opened a social media site and saw my daughter on a job site as a professional and all the years flew by in my head.  There she is, this timid, tiny, brilliant, thoughtful little girl all grown up.

My Mom always said "Don't wish your life away" when I would lament about wishing I was older.  Now I see what she meant.

This is the second beginning of school year for me and today I am melancholy.  

How to put into words what I am going through ... it's not that I want to be returning to my career as educator, I think it's all about the reality of how finite this journey is.

Don't say it!! I know, I know ... Baby Boomers don't like to talk about the fact that we will die.  And definitely NOT a Facebook worthy topic ~ too dark and dismal.  But here goes.

Yesterday I was in a near car wreck, so close that when I got home I noticed white paint on my front right fender.  Can you imagine what that would have been like?  To be going 60 mph on 60 highway and to be hit on the right fender by someone crossing two lanes without looking, coming right at me.  I hit my horn, hit my brakes and called for "Jesus" ~ only to find paint on my front right fender.

~~~

Parents are in there 80's, kids are in there late 20's early 30's, career is behind me and much of life has happened.  Through effort, planning, spending and striving the first half of life has whisked away.  Presently, there are struggles with life issues as usual, but I want to write a letter.  I want to share my wishes if ever I am not able to communicate or as I age, my rights to choose (as dementia sets in) may keep my voice silent.

[This is for all those without a voice dealing with life in an aging body and a mind that struggles with the simplest things.]

Dear Family, Friends and Church,

I, Cynthia Kaye (Hanman) Shannon, being of sound mind would like to make known my wishes.

As I age and my ability to communicate diminishes, know this:

I beg you to continue to treat me as you would if I were looking in your eyes, speaking as I usually do and behaving as I usually behave.  

You see, I am noticing that people disappear into Nursing Home stares when 'caregivers' can't see the 'person' anymore.  As people age, there's a decrease in respecting who they are--they become 'unseen'.  

How you treat me while in this state is a reflection of who you truly are ... inside ... If I have lost my short-term memory and ask you over and over the same things--your ability to see and continue to respect me is directly attributed to the core of who you are, and where your truth is found.  

How you deal with family about my care reflects your emotional maturity and self control.  Remember -- Hurt people hurt people -- I was always told that -- and it's true.  

I am a Christian, and if you are as well, remember; 

The Beatitudes

3 “God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him,for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

4 God blesses those who mourn,
 for they will be comforted.

5 God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.

6 God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,for they will be satisfied.

7 God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.

8 God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.

9 God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.

My surroundings are important to me -- keep them constant, unchanging -- and my faith/church family are my lifeline.  Please keep me in a familiar environment, with my things around me, especially my  Bible.  Make it easy for me ... not hard, I won't ask for much, because I may feel 'less than', not a contributing member to society anymore and 'a burden' to you. (Or at least that's what I will be fighting in my thought life.)

Make me feel worthy, wanted and loved no matter what my body/mind may be presenting.  Remember me as I have been all these years past and offer me grace.  If I ask a strange request, maybe you could just do it?  Maybe we just changed the sheets on my bed and I've forgotten--see it as an opportunity to spend more time with me watching as I make it 'just right' and share tidbits of how to make a bed, or how my Mom did it.  This is your blessing ... these moments are precious ... these bring 'worth' and joy to me.

I know you are busy.  

I know you are raising a family and working.  

I did those things too.  

This 'care thing' is a HUGE deal, I get it.  But know this, I am doing my very best to manage all these issues I'm facing and really really don't want to burden you, and I see you ~ your effort and care for me ~ my spirit can tell your intent and I am thankful.

~~~~

Talk about death ... spoiler warning

It's Okay to 'unplug' me (sing hymns and pray me into heaven please), but please don't cremate this vessel The Lord has given me.  Where you bury me does not matter to me--I would like to be next to my husband and near family for your convenience, but I am gone and what/where you lay my body is for those left behind.  For this reason understand that 'visiting' my gravesite is all about you ... do not create any thoughts or feelings of guilt from me if you don't visit the gravesite.  Do so in remembrance of me ... but if you talk to me at that spot, know you are praying and I am in heaven rejoicing in a new body awaiting you--praying you will be joining me. (By the way -- I'll be with my first grandson, Ren--we will be playing and hugging ALOT.)

The things I have accumulated will be important for my children Ian and Amanda to have...namely the antiques that have been passed down to me from my mother and father's families.  The silver reindeer is Carrie's (she will know).  These things will be of no use for my husband if I go first, they are just things to him.

Protect me from being taken advantage of -- 

I see this so much as people age and they no longer place as much value on money and things, but they trust very easily, they especially trust those who visit often and 'help' them with the immediate needs and fill those lonely hours.  

Beware of those with greedy intent.

~~~

Help me to continue to have adult conversations or at least be with others and to go outdoors -- Oh, and shopping, maybe a movie, take me with you don't be ashamed of me or afraid to allow me to join you in life events.  So many times because of my frailness I can't go and do, I get that, but try every once in a while. 

Don't just plop me in front of a TV, with the volume  up loud --- YIKES!!

Read the Bible to me or even let me listen to podcasts or Christian radio.

Thank you for loving the most difficult ... we are called to love the unlovable you know.

Matthew 5

46 If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. 47 If you are kind only to your friends,[s] how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that. 48 But you are to be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.

Blessings,

Cindy

The purse

I picked up this purse in a shop across from the hospital when I went to purchase a pair of socks.  It was one of those purchases that was impulse, but not really.  I had been looking for a purse that didn't have a brand plastered on the front of it.  It has become my mainstay through this life event.

A new purse, one month later, home only seven days, eight days in the hospital, almost three weeks in rehabilitation center, ten radiation treatments and who knows how many miles driven.

I'm going home.

The crisis has passed.

I wish I could give you a nice, Facebook-worthy pat on the back ... you know a report with a picture of which you find it significant enough to share with all your friends that represents how wonderful you're doing.  All I have is a purse and a 'kind of' list representing my thoughts.

Practicing selflessness is hard.  

Staying quiet yet present is hard.

Being kind when you really want to throw a fit is hard.

Feeling but not allowing yourself to follow your feelings is hard.

Choosing your words carefully is hard.

Listening when you're tired is hard.

Sleeping in a hospital room is hard.

Eating 'whatever' is hard.

Pressing through when there is 'shocking' news is hard.

But 

Believing each day you are given what you need for that day ... makes it easy.

Knowing in your heart of hearts you are loved by the One who created you ... makes it easy.

Realizing just the smallest gesture, smile, or word helps ... makes it easy.

Finding thankfulness in tender moments ... makes it easy.

Knowing you have to stay in today and not in the future ... makes it easy.

Relationships change during life events like this.  What was so very valuable and 'worth your time' in the past has now lost its value.  Simple, authentic, unselfish moments or things (like a purse) carry the moment from what seems unreal to real.  There's a transcendent moment when we have an exchange between people ... could be spoken or not ... could be a look into one anothers eyes ... could be a smile or hug ... could be a hand shake or a word.  It's that moment when you exchange yourself -- who you are -- with them.  This, I think, is a glimpse of God and His love.

Over time we become acclimated to an environment.  I have experienced this in the school setting -- you get in a rhythm of sorts, it becomes comfortable.  Your movement through the halls is natural, with greetings and entering/exiting from one space to another.  I think once this happens we can offer ourselves more fully to one another -- without fear of rejection or threat of harm -- there's a rhythm and we are 'safe' to share ourselves. 

I have also noticed that once you become acclimated in an environment, there is a 're-entry' margin when you return home.  Your body and daily routine has changed yet again.  There isn't a need for acute alertness with the entry of yet another stranger in the room.

Thank you for the blessings Lord that accompany such life events.  Blessings that are unearned, unexpected and have healed my heart in many unspoken places.